Lori's blog

OMG.....I heard Mom talking...

OMG.....I heard Mom talking to someone & I went in her room to check on her. She was talking on her TV remote as if it was a cell phone! Even told whoever she was talking to 'goodbye' and pushed a button on the remote as if she hung up.

She isn't eating much at all....

She isn't eating much at all.....

She had 3-4 bites of rye toast  & a few bites of mandarine orange jello for the whole day yesterday. Today she had a whole piece of raisin toast & 3 bites of pea soup. That's it. She hasn't even gotten up to pee today. I don't know what to do....she is talking silly all the time anymoe. But at least she knows what is coming out of her mouth doesn't always make sense & she laughs about it :)

Had a really rough day yesterday.....

Had a really rough day yesterday. I noticed small lumps on Mom's back that had gotten a litttle bigger a few days ago. I thought they were cysts or something but apparently not. Mom also noticed a lump on her side that hurt a little bit. We had the nurse look at them when she was here & when I walked her out, she told me she thought they were tumors. The cancer is spreading fairly quickly now. Well, yesterday her back, legs and side were hurting her. I had talked to the nurse the night before & she told me to increase her breakthrough meds to every 1-2 hours because her pain level had increased. That was NOT enough anymore & she cried ALL day and begged God to be take her out of her pain. Said she couldn't take anymore... It was so heartbreaking to see her like that! I had called her hospice nurse & told her what was going on (she could hear Mom in the background) They ended up doubling her morphine & increasing her breakthrough meds. She is a little out of it mentally since the increase from the meds but that is to be expected. I guess as she gets used to the increase she will be more coherent since that seems to be how it has been in the past too. She is trying to get her pain meds more often & it is a good thing that she can't reach them! I told the nurse to go ahead & get the bed back for her too. She has been in one of hospice's recliners since she got out of the hospital but it is worn out now. Her legs need to be elevated higher than the chair will allow & she can't get comfortable anymore. I think once she gets in the bed then she wont be able to get up for the toilet anymore either. I am so dreading that time! She is going to have to roll from side to side also so that her backside skin doesn't breakdown and develop bedsores too. She had me start making a list of things that she has and who she wants them to go to. I did manage to get POA before the pain was too bad & the meds made her dopey.

Happy Birthday Chris...

Happy Birthday Chris!

December 05, 2008

I cancelled Mom's Radiation treatments on Wednesday & Thursday for her too. She did NOT want to go. The technician, Pat, said that if she kept missing them she would probably have to start over since so much time has elapsed in between treatments. Pat asked me try & talk to her. I did....she burst into tears! She was in sooo much pain during and after she said that she couldn't take any more. Said she had been in such pain for months & didn't think she could handle it. I totally understand that.....and I told her so. I told her that is was entirely HER dicision & I would abide by that. I can't force her to bear the pain just to gain maybe weeks or even just days. Who really knows how much time it would buy her? I called the Dr's office back & told Pat that she wouldn't be there on Thursday & I would let her know about Friday. Well....on Friday we had a visit from the hospice social worker (Angeline) about some paperwork for medicaid that we filled out. Mom was telling her about it & that she couldn't go through with it. I feel better that she was expressing that to someone else besides me! Anyway....I called the technician Pat earlier & told her Mom's decision & thanked them all for there kindness....they were the best there! Told her that she discussed this with hospice too & what we will do now is manage her pain. That is Mom's only concern right now. Pat wished her the best :)

 

Chris------I understand that Nicole talked to Dr Faber yesterday and got some information from him about Chris. It is NOT good...... Dr Faber said that his liver has shut down, his kidneys have failed, the fluid that he is retaining is toxic in his body so he has an infection throughout, his heart is racing & his blood pressure is too low. Nicole said that the Dr doesnt even know how to treat all that is ailing him! He said that IF by a miracle that Chris pulls through, he would not be the Chris that we know & would have to institutionalize him to keep him from drinking. He doesn't think that Chris will make it 30 days.......his body & heart can't take anymore. I am going to try & see him later if I can get away. I am thinking that anti-depressants are in order for me.....all I do is cry anymore!

December 02, 2008

 This is what southern boys wear when it is cold but.........

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This is what southern girls wear.....no matter how cold it is!

I have given up trying to understand it too.....

 

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December 02, 2008

I left work yesterday to take Mom to her Radiation treatment...number 6. I got home and the nurse was there doing an assessment on her. She seemed to be doing OK and told the nurse that too. (she always is if she doesn't have to move) Well....I had her get up and use the walker to go from the bedroom (very 1st one in the hall) to just inside the living room so she could get in her wheelchair. She only made it to a dining room chair and had to sit down before she could go on. Took me 3 tries to get her out of the chair again! Well, we finally made it through the gate between the living room & the dining room (The gate stays up but has a hinged gate to walk through w/o having to take it down all the time. It preserves my furniture from any accidents the dogs may have when nobody is home so I don't want to take it down.) She sat in the wheelchair & I got her out the door to the car....what an ordeal! Then to get her in the car.... We finally make that happen & I get the chair in the trunk and we are off to her appointment. When the were helping her on the table for her treatment she was complaining about sooooo much pain :-/ The whole time she was there she was crying and moaning. I really don't understand why but she said she was really hurting :-( I find out this evening that she claims she didn't sleep all night but I had to wake her up to take her meds this morning. I talked to Amanda several times today & she said that Nana was moaning and crying. Mom left me a message for me to call her and she sounded so pitiful! I called the nurse & told her what was going on so she came over and adjusted her pain meds. the frequency & the dosage.......ugh....now I really have to write it down LOL! I was doing pretty good before :-) She finally got some relief and some rest but we never did make it to her Radiation appointment. I can't see what good it has done her anyway. I don't know if she wants to continue them anymore. OK....just talked to her.Mom thinks that she DOES have a little more mobilty since starting the radiation so she wants to finish them if she can. Wants to see how she feels in the morning.....fair enough :)

 

Just got the word a little while ago that Chris called an ambulance for himself and went to the hospital. Update as I know anything. Dear God, my brother is way too young for the health issues that he has.....even though I know they are his own doing. 

Evening Post

Sad end to a long weekend.... I hate having to get up early! Ronnie and I have to switch vehicles in the morning so I can take Mom to her radiation apointment. She can't get into my truck because it is too high. Last 5 treatments are this week and that's it. She isn't going to do chemo since it won't do anything for her but make her sick. One day at a time.....

November 30, 2008

All in all....dinner went off very well. Wasn't too much of a pain in the ass....except the picture taking! I really hate to have my picture taken. Makes me look fatter than I think I am LOL! Oh well, only I can do something about that.... Maybe I will taken up walking every evening as a stress reliever. Two birds with one stone so to speak.

Chris was here too. I didn't talk to him but answered when he said something to me. I can't be mean to him when he is sober (at least he wasn't drinking when he was here anyway) I do feel bad for him because he is very sick. You can look at him a see that! So when it came time for the 'family' pics....he even had his arm on my shoulder.

Mom had the talk that she wanted to have with all of us yesterday....I just wanted it to be over. She told everyone that she doesn't want to be kept around artifically. If she can't breath on her own, fed herself or comunicate with us then she isn't really here anymore & to just let her go. She knows that Hospice will make her comfortable in her passing. It was very emotional... She wants to tell David's son Austin that she is sick & just how sick she is. I REALLY don't know how much of a relationship she had with him......I think she has seen him a few times in the 4-5 years we have known about him. I am afraid to tell her that Jess has asked me about her. She told me that gas to come here is not something she can afford...I certainly understand that! BUT...if I told Mom then she would say that she would at least like Jess to call her.... If that is what Jess wants to do then fine but I dont want kind hearted Jessica to feel guilty if she isn't comfortable with it.

I have to figure out ways to get out of the house more often.....I have missed Kayla's last 2 touraments. I am NOT going to miss the last one for this season!

Enough for now.....

Lori’s contemplations

Today is the day we decided to have a 'Family Thanksgiving Day'. since it will probably be Mom's last one she wanted all her kids to be here. It started out that Chris wasn't going to be here....I didn't want to see his face for that long! BUT...Mom wants her 5 generation picture....What the fuck is she going to do with a picture! Aunt Suzie & Grandma will be her also. (Grandma being the 1st of the 5 generations) Do I sound like a selfish bitch now? She is so controlling in subtle ways! She has the pathetic voice down pat......I am at her beck & call 24/7.....cross between a puppet on a string & her personal slave/maid. I just want to break down & cry but where would I go?? I can't talk to George because he wouldn't understand my frustration.....I don't think Ronnie would either. I can't leave her because she can't get her 260+ body up on her own & can't even wipe her own ass! NOW because her arm is swollen they put her on a diuretic......so that she has to piss every 1/2 hour..... There isn't anyone else I can get to stay with her either. Amanda's 100lb self can't get her up nor would she wipe her ass. It isn't fair that Ronnie does it either.....Aunt Suzie won't do that. What am I going to do when she is too sick to get up? I don't know that I can do diapers!

It doesn't look like Chris will be here anyway since he isn't answering his phones. He hasn't been to see her since she was in the hopsital and his excuse now is that I wouldn't let him in my house! What a bullshit excuse that is! We all know the real reason.....

Mom wants all of us (kids, spouses & Aunt Suzie) to get together tomorrow so she can make her wishes known for the end. This includes Chris of course.....I certainally have no problem with him being here for that. I just don't see him coming over. We shall see.....Ronnie said she was going to pick him up :)

I am sure I will post later.....to vent some more.